ramblings and writings of a southern hobbit

Posts tagged “satire

A New Translation of 1 Corinthians 13


Newly found manuscript of Paul's first epistle to the Corinthian church. This page of the manuscript includes Paul's original benediction: "Fun to you, and enjoyment, from God our Entertainer and the Lord Jesus Christ."

A new collection of ancient documents recently unearthed caves near the ancient Near Eastern town of Ben-haradadi may shed some new light on Paul’s first epistle to the Corinthians. These manuscripts are the most ancient discovered yet, and biblical scholars believe these manuscripts are the closest to originals in wording, due to their early date. Of particular interest to scholars is the fact that these manuscripts lack some of the passages long believed by the modern church to have been added in at a later date by puritannical church fathers determined that no one should have any fun.

Scholars have begun a new Bible translation project utilizing these new found manuscripts. Reproduced below is the new translation of 1 Corinthians 13.

1 Love goeth on romantic dates, and giveth roses and chocolates; Love  is fluffy and pink,  is a shallow hormone-induced emotion.

2 Love beareth all things until the other annoyeth greatly, then love causeth great suffering and feeleth justified;

3 Behaveth itself unseemly, yet defineth “unseemly” as all conduct but its own and therefore feeleth quite satisfied with its holiness,

4 Seeketh its own pleasure, is easily provoked, thinketh great evil;

5 Rejoiceth in iniquity and the spreading abroad of the same amongst all its friends and acquaintances and coworkers, but rejoiceth not in the truth;

6 Beareth nothing, believeth nothing, hopeth nothing, endureth nothing.

7 Love faileth: For whether there shall be romance, it shall fade; whether there be words of love, they shall cease; whether there be any emotional thrill, it shall vanish away.

8 For when I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I refused to put away childish things, because being childish was more fun and all the world doth continue to revolve around me.

9 And now abideth self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.