Free online ordinations! If you’re thinking about starting a cult, this might be a good option for you–you could legally call yourself Reverend and the Universal Life Church accepts people from all faiths, including (I presume) ones that are made up on the spot. You have to be over thirteen years old and use your real name, but other than that there are no other requirements. But remember: check out your state’s legal requirements before trying to perform a wedding.
After all the snow that has been dumped on the mid-Atlantic and the South in the past few weeks, it was no surprise when a climate scientist recently declared that there has been no global warming since 1995.I propose a new climate change theory: I call it “global weirding.”
That’s right. Massive outbreaks of weird weather across the globe! And what can be weirder than snow in Florida?
How about snow in my hometown in the South Carolina Lowcountry?
Or feet of snow in Washington, D.C.?
Ok, so maybe snow in South Carolina or D.C. isn’t as weird as snow in Florida. But the last time it actually snowed at my house, I was ten. And apparently there’s supposed to be no more snow in D.C.
If we don’t act now, children in third world countries will starve as our world quickly becomes no more than a giant spherical ice cube. Thankfully, there are things you can do to help prevent the rapid spread of global weirding.
- Don’t change your light bulbs! Use your old energy inefficient ones. The power plants lighting your homes will produce more energy, thereby emitting more carbon monoxide into the atmosphere. Carbon monoxide contributes to the “greenhouse effect,” which leads to a warmer climate that would melt away the snow.
- Don’t recycle! This causes more greenhouse gases to be produced by manufacturers.
- Carry environmentally friendly tote bags made out of burlap! Not only will you look fashionable while alerting those around you to the problem of global weirding, but the exorbitant amount of money you spent on the bag will be in part donated to research units dedicated to finding a solution to our weird weather.
Act now! Remember, only you can prevent global weirding!